intersection

*The intersection* "Sitting in an empty room Trying to forget the past This was never meant to last I wish it wasn't so..." The clock read 12:15 AM as the song blared through the earphones on the terrace. A perfect scenario for thinking about life. Love and music, a combination which can result in ultimate peace of mind or utter chaos. That was the hour of self realization and self analysis, and I realized nothing but pain. The image of a great emotional warrior was crumbling infront of me as I broke down, one piece at a time as thousands of pieces followed later. Past couple of months life have been just fine, but it wasn't the case with mind. It had been a total mess. It fought several battles within, resulting in bloodshed of either self respect or love. It was torn in half, whether to try harder or to fuck shit up and kill the feelings. This is what happens when you love someone deeply, but it's unrequited. When one moment, you respect their decision of not getting into relationship again, and the very next moment, you try your best to change it. A bead of sweat rolled down as I remembered how I thought of myself as an emotionless creature. And how this image of me was destroyed the very next second my eyes were set on her. I remembered how I opened myself up when I was with her. At last, I was learning how to feel things again, how to love someone deeply and how to feel the pain when it isn't reciprocated. Wandering around the feels land, I stumbled upon an intersection which lead to two paths. The lantern I was holding kept fluctuating, indicating that both of the paths weren't going to be easy. One of the path was leading to trying harder. Actually, this wasn't the first time I came across this path. Remember when I said that the past months were messy? It's because of this path. I chose this, I wanted to try harder. Try harder to make her fall in love with me, try harder to make her realize that even though I'm being haunted myself, I'll exorcise her demons from the past. To make her realize that there's someone who would stand by your side, who would fill you up with life when you decided to end it. Walking on this path wasn't easy, yet I ran. Murdering my self respect with every step taken. I couldn't blame her for her cold responses, given the things she experienced from the male counterparts. But I wanted her to believe in me, just to have a tiny bit of faith in me that I wouldn't turn her down. I wanted to take her, embrace her in my arms till all of her pain and fears broke down into pieces. All I wanted was a chance, which she was too afraid to give, or I didn't deserve that chance, if you think of it that way. Walking down this road yielded nothing but pain, and tensions between us. Yet I was still thinking of walking on this road again. This is what love does to people. As I took the first step towards this path on that night, I heard the other path calling me. I turned, lantern flickered again. This was the path with bloodshed written on it, bloodshed of feelings. I knew that walking on this path wasn't going to be easy either, but it'd be fun to travel the unexplored roads. It was dark, it was scary, but it wasn't as painful as the first path I was walking on for a while. As I travelled the road, it dawned on me that love wasn't doing anything good for me. That even though I was trying so hard, it wasn't yielding anything, not even a good response from the other end. Thus, this path was proving to be fruitful. As I was coming out of the dump with every step taken. I remembered all the efforts which went in vain, I remembered all the promises I made to her, I remembered all the responses I got whenever I confessed my feelings to her, then I realized there were none. When I didn't love her, she didn't care. When I did, she still remained the same. What good is it doing, I asked myself. Nothing, a voice replied. Though I decided to move on, kill those feelings, but I didn't want people to tag me an asshole like they did when I left certain people. So I came to the conclusion that I'm not going to be the one to call things completely off. That I'm going to limit myself, limit my feelings, limit my boundaries as just another one of her friends. Yes, I deliberately chose to be her "just a friend". Because she wouldn't let me in, and I ain't walking out completely. Contradicting Coldplay here, light didn't guide me home, darkness did. I didn't choose any of the path which the intersection offered. I made another path, all by myself. But that time isn't far when I've to make a choice again, and hopefully I will make the right one like I did that night.